I am a fool

A fool for not seeing God's strength in me! I got soooooo hung up on being humble that I blinded myself to the truth. I was trying to empty myself out so that He would fill me up - but He was already inside! I was literally trying to get rid of God so that I could "receive" Him. What a fool I am!

Humility is great, but take care that you do not try to humble God! Be free of pride in yourself, but spare no pride in God!

It is not enough to be humble, to know that you are a sinner but know not how you sin. Humble yourself and seek the Truth, for the Truth is what purges the sin. Humility without wisdom is pointless, and wisdom without humility is impossible. It's no wonder I felt hopeless while I sought to forsake myself so that God would replace or remake me. God has already made me! The only thing I'm missing is the Truth.

The perfection of desire

Only half of the battle is won when we learn to rely on God to fulfill our desires - but we must learn to let Him perfect our desires as well! If God gave you everything you wanted right now, would you have anything worthwhile? Where we should be as children to enter the kingdom of Heaven, we often act like teenagers, bringing our desire to God so that He may fulfill it, not knowing that our desire is full of sin. Look closer.

My last blog was about how I had desired for God to "come back into my life". That's all I wanted, for God to show up and show me that we were still connected. And sure enough, He did. Yet now I feel the same as I did before those few glorious hours on Saturday when He was 'in the room'. My desire was fulfilled but I have nothing to show for it. Why?

Because I needed to be in a room with ten other people who believed in God before I would. I needed the Faith of others to restore my own. Gross!

My new desire is this: give me Faith! So that I may know you are there when I don't see you, and when I don't feel you. Don't merely return to me when I call - never leave me again!

God not only fulfills desires, he perfects them. If God has given you nothing yet, rejoice! For you need not suffer the shame of getting what you asked for, and realizing how stupid it really is. Seek first the perfection of your desire, and your fulfillment will be fruitful and lasting.

The speed of desire

Very recently (Saturday night for all yalls who were there) I became reconnected to the holy spirit. It was a connection that I had lost for a while, though I missed it every single day. And every single day that DESIRE grew bigger and bigger. Starting with a whimsical, half hearted "wouldn't it be nice if Christ were in my life?" and steadily progressing to straight up desperation - "OMG I NEED ME SOME JESUS!". And no sooner than that DESIRE reached its apex did the Good Lord deliver - in the form of one amazing night of worship with my fellow believers, new and old.

He was back! I had seen the face of God once more, clear as day, and I was absolutely determined to keep that face fresh in my mind. To not sink back into the unimportant BS that I used to distract myself from the growing hole in my life that was caused by my lack of a relationship with God.

Sunday I reveled in the glory.

Monday I freaked out.

Terrified of squandering my new found connection, I set out to take drastic measures in an attempt to "rope me in some God!" But I was shot down hard and fast. Just as a child wants to play with the new swing set before Daddy builds it, I tried to put it together myself - and you can imagine how that turned out.

My DESIRE turned to action, and my actions were a failure. What do I do now? What can I do to hold on to this connection with Christ and not let it slip away? My frustration is off the charts now. Despite my earlier failure, my DESIRE was still in tact and growing stronger.

And once again, when the DESIRE peaked, God served up the answer: "You don't have to do anything. I am the creator of the universe, and it is I who does the doing." No it wasn't a big booming voice from the sky. It was as simple as a facebook update from my mentor, linking to this. And that's how He works. In the tiniest of ways, and at the SPEED of DESIRE.